Can school support your child during your separation and divorce?

When children learn about their parents’ separation or divorce, they can have different experiences and reactions depending on many influential factors: age, personality, understanding, parents’ behaviour, hostility, and level of support… However, what all have in common is that they will go through a period of grief, even if the split is amicable and spend time with both parents regularly. 

Children may feel a range of emotions like sadness, frustration, anger and anxiety, which can translate into emotional and behavioural difficulties: becoming naughty or demotivated, being more aggressive and controlling, or becoming quiet and withdrawn. This new situation can also make some children feel insecure. Naturally, these strong emotions and behaviour can be brought into school, affecting their social and emotional wellbeing and their concentration, ability to engage or interest in learning, which can consequently impact their academic performance.

It’s not only the sense of loss of their family as they know it, but there could be other changes, like moving house, changing school or new childcare arrangements, that can influence too.

How your separation or divorce may ultimately affect your child depends on the situation, what you and your ex do as parents, the changes in their daily routine and the support they receive. Some children adapt more quickly than others.

So, should you inform the school about your separation or divorce?

It’s up to you. However, it’s undeniable that one of the key players in your support network can be your children’s school and teachers because of their significant involvement in their lives. School can also provide continuity and stability for your children during this challenging time.

Teachers, especially in primary school, spend time with their pupils for most of each weekday. Although secondary school teachers don’t spend all day with the same students, they are likely to see them regularly. Hence, when parents separate, it’s advisable to inform the school as their teachers may be in an ideal position to provide emotional and practical support and help your children cope and adjust more positively to the changes they are going through. 

If teachers know what’s going on, they can keep an eye on your children’s welfare and spot any worrying changes in their behaviour or academic performance.

In some cases, children themselves turn to teachers and others they trust in their schools for support.

If you decide to inform the school about your separation or divorce, start by finding out who is the best person to talk to. It may be your child’s class teacher, the Special Educational Needs Coordinator (SENCO) or the Headteacher and ensure a coordinated approach within the school. It may be that they have an open-door policy or that you will need to make an appointment. Every school has its own procedures.

If possible, it would be beneficial for both parents to agree on the message to the school.

What shall we tell the school?

There is no need to share more than is necessary with the school. You can keep the details to a minimum: simply that there is a change in the family dynamic and to inform you if there are any issues or concerns about your child. You can also ask for any paperwork required to change contact information, authorisations for collection and, unless there is a legal reason not to do so, for all school information to be sent to both parents.

Please note that all parents with parental responsibility are entitled to make decisions about their child’s education and receive information from the school even if, for day-to-day purposes, the school’s primary contact is with the parent whom the children live with on school days.

Anyone with parental responsibility has the right to:

a) receive information, such as school reports;

b) be asked to give consent, such as to the child taking part in school trips, even though the school does not always need the consent of both parents;

c) be informed about meetings involving the child.

How can you help the school to support your child?

• Get involved in your child’s education, showing that you care about their schoolwork and school life. Show a keen and curious interest in what your child does at school and how they feel about it. Try to give encouragement and show appreciation for your child’s achievements, whether great or small, as this can help boost their confidence.

• Take responsibility for staying informed by keeping up to date with events that are happening at school. Ensure you receive any notices, newsletters or other communications and regularly visit the school’s website. Remaining engaged and interested in your child’s school life will help your child and also make you feel that you play a valued and important role in your child’s education.

• Make a joint commitment for your child’s best interest to keep each other informed by planning and agreeing with the other parent on how you will share and discuss school information.

• Work closely with your child’s teacher and raise any worries that you may have.

• Agree on how you will handle parent-teacher meetings. If you feel comfortable, try to attend together; otherwise, arrange separate appointments so that you are both involved and kept informed. Avoid only one parent “dealing” with the school, if possible. During this time of upheaval, it is even more important to be involved so you can both understand how your child is doing, their needs and what support is receiving at school.

• Share the workload and agree on which parent will be responsible for helping (if necessary) and ensuring that your child completes the homework. You could have a simple rule that whoever is with the child checks that the homework task for that day is done. Helping your child with homework is another way to show you care and to be a part of their life, even if it doesn’t seem fun.

• Inform the school of pick-up and drop-off arrangements if necessary and whether a court order is in place affecting the child's arrangements.

• Whatever you do, always focus on what’s best for your child.

How can teachers support your child whilst at school?

There are different ways that schools and teachers can assist your child during this unsettling time.

Classroom teachers and SENCOs can provide your child with the day-to-day support they might need to cope, and some schools may also have additional processes in place. 

Teachers' actions are essential in increasing the bonding between children, families and teachers. Studies show that some of the most useful and effective actions teachers can take when supporting a child during their parents’ separation or divorce are:

• Creating a safe and friendly environment where the child feels free to talk;

• Having opportunities to talk or listen to a child, offering extra support, providing reassurance or signposting them to further relevant support that they might need;

• Arranging a time to provide emotional support or to help the child settle;

• Communicating with both parents about how their child is doing emotionally, socially and academically at school and working with them to ensure the child feels safe and secure;

• Being consistent with school routines, rules and expectations;

• Making sure the child is included in supportive friendship groups, both in the classroom and the playground;

• Encouraging the child to make good decisions and to manage their own behaviour;

• If a child needs to move schools, their old school can ease the transition by ensuring that the new school is fully briefed and receives all relevant reports and other relevant paperwork. It is usually also helpful for a child to visit their new school for a transition or induction day before formally joining. The child should also be allowed to say goodbye to existing school friends and be reassured that they will be able to stay in touch should they wish to do so.

As you can see, schools and teachers can play an important role, with your cooperation, in helping your children cope and adjust to the new family dynamics. By working together and supporting honest and open communication, families and schools can form a network of support that promotes the child’s wellbeing and build a more positive future.

If you need assistance on your separation or divorce journey, don't hesitate to get in touch with me at julia@juliamoreno.co.uk. I look forward to being able to help.