How to keep your sanity whilst living together during your separation

Whether for financial reasons or to offer stability to your children, you may find yourself living under the same roof after splitting up while the final divorce is pending.

There is much-outdated advice online about what you should or shouldn’t do in the eyes of the law if your relationship has ended but you remain living in the same family home. Since the introduction of the new divorce legislation in England and Wales on 6 April 2022, known as the “no-fault” divorce law, there are no longer requirements to be separated for a minimum period before issuing a divorce or to prove that you are “under the same roof but living apart”. The only current requirement for divorce is a statement that the marriage has irretrievably broken down. This positive change offers separated couples the freedom and flexibility to decide how they wish to organise their new relationship and lives.

You may have read or heard that you need to lead completely separate lives and you must no longer share the day-to-day activities (e.g. cooking and eating meals together, sharing family activities, shopping or socialising together, doing each other’s laundry…). You can now scrap that. You have the choice to do whatever feels comfortable for you and your family. If you are happy doing something for each other and vice versa or sharing times together, you can. It’s your family. It’s your life. 

Although we have culturally been conditioned to believe that after a breakup, couples must live separately and in different homes, and you may argue that it’s counterintuitive to stay together, I’d say that it’s up to you how you wish to sort out your living arrangements after separation as long as you are emotionally, physically and financially safe.

You may have been forced into this situation or willingly chosen to live together. Whatever the reason, it is not an uncommon scenario. An increasing number of separated couples continue to share their home for a period after breaking up. That number is likely to rise with the impending economic recession and financial constraints making it hard for one of the spouses to leave the marital home.

Although the new legislation doesn’t restrict your arrangements when living together after your relationship has ended, it’s undeniable that such a state of affairs can lead to stress and tension within the household, even in the most amicable split. Going through a separation when living in separate homes is already tricky when feelings, intentions and loyalties have changed. So, cohabiting during a period of high emotions is predictably challenging (especially if it wasn’t by choice). However, it’s possible to make the cohabitation go as smoothly as possible and keep your sanity when you both cooperatively contemplate the physical, emotional and financial practicalities.

Respecting your liberty to decide on the dynamics of your new “separated but living together” relationship, I’m sharing with you some guidelines to consider and tips for survival to make this transitional period of cohabitation a success.

YOUR NEW “SEPARATED BUT LIVING TOGETHER” RELATIONSHIP

You are creating a new relationship, so it’s advisable to take steps to define the parameters of such a relationship and set expectations from the outset to prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It’s also vital to try to build respectful, honest and open lines of communication. 

Discussing and agreeing on the boundaries of your new status can minimise conflict. Setting healthy personal boundaries is also beneficial for your mental and emotional health.

There will be some restructuring to your relationship and lives, but it will be easier when you have a mutual understanding and are ready to cooperate.

Questions to consider:

• What is your relationship status?

• What is the agreed date of separation? This may be relevant for the financial arrangements on divorce.

• How will you communicate? How often? About what?

• Will you have conversations about divorce? Where and when?

• Are there any issues that have led to the separation that you do not want to be mentioned or discussed to avoid confrontation?

• Will you share time together?

• Will you do things together as a family?

• Will you attend parties or events together?

• Will you carry on as before but without physical intimacy? What needs to change?

• Can you date?

• When is the right time to have a romantic relationship with a new person?

• When can a new partner be introduced to the family? Be mindful of your children.

• Will you socialise with mutual friends?

• Will you inform friends and family of your new status? If so, when, to whom and what’s your shared message?

HOUSE RULES

Laying fair house rules on how you will share the property can make cohabitation more bearable and reduce potential conflict. Therefore, it’d help to discuss and agree on the physical boundaries and the acceptable rules of your day-to-day living. 

Some separated couples choose to take a “housemate” approach combined with co-parenting if they have children. It may be that you decide that it’s not necessary to divide the living space, but having a designated personal space for each of you where you can relax, do things you enjoy, deal with private matters about your separation (and potential divorce) or even work through your emotions is often vital. 

Bear in mind that if you are separated, certain things may need to change when you are living together, including abandoning old habits and living patterns.

With some honest communication, respect and planning, it’s possible to have positive daily interactions.

Questions to consider:

• Are you going to lead separate lives whilst living in the same property? Or maintain the status quo?

• Do you need to divide the property so that you are not in the same place at the same time?

• Will you share common spaces (e.g. kitchen, dining room, living/sitting room, garden)? How? When?

• Where will you sleep (e.g. separate beds, separate bedrooms)?

• Where will you keep your personal possessions and belongings?

• Which bathroom will you use? Do you need a rota if there is only one bathroom on the property?

• What will be your personal space? Do you need to protect it? How will you consider each others’ personal space? Are there any privacy issues? For recommendations on the protection of your online privacy, check here.

• If you are working from home, what space can you use?

• Can you (and your children) invite friends or relatives to come to the property? Any special arrangements? Can anyone stay overnight?

• Do you need to share a car? What will be the arrangements?

HOUSEHOLD CHORES AND RESPONSIBILITIES

You will also need to discuss and agree on how you will fairly share your household chores and responsibilities whilst you are living together.

Knowing who will do what and when from the very beginning will make things much more manageable.

It may be that you can maintain the status quo because you already have a good routine that works for both of you. Alternatively, you may need to distribute and schedule your household chores and responsibilities fairly.

What to consider:

• Who will do the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing and gardening?

• Who is in charge of any repairs or maintenance issues?

• Do you expect the other to wash their dishes or clean the bathroom after each use?

• Will you cook and eat together? Or do you need to alternate the times in the kitchen and meals with the children, if any?

• Will you share the food and groceries? Can you eat the food that the other has purchased?

• What are your expectations of completion for each chore?

FINANCIAL ARRANGEMENTS

Regardless of your reason for your cohabitation after separation, you will need to consider your financial arrangements for ongoing expenses and household bills while you are living together.

You could approach this conversation like business partners, aware that this is a temporary situation. The most common arrangement is maintaining the financial status quo until there is an agreement or a court order on financial provision upon divorce. For instance, if you are not working and rely on an allowance from your spouse, it is expected that this will continue until then.

However, you could agree to your own arrangements as long as these are fair, reasonable and without putting any of you in any financial hardship. You will need to think about what works best for you as a family and ensure clarity on your respective financial obligations.

What to consider:

• Who will pay the mortgage, rent, council tax and utility bills? Will you split them up? How?

• What will happen if a payment is not made on time? Who will be responsible?

• Do you need to open a joint account? Or a personal account?

• Who will be responsible for the expenses related to the children?

• What other financial obligations will you share? How?

• Do you need to create a household and/or personal expenses budget?

• Do you trust one another on financial matters? Do you need to set any financial boundaries (e.g. cash withdrawal limits, expenditure limits)?

• Where will your respective salaries be paid into? What contributions must be made to the joint account to meet joint expenses?

• Do you need special financial arrangements for holidays, gifts and entertainment?

PARENTING RESPONSIBILITIES

This is your opportunity to create and establish a good co-parenting relationship considering your children’s best interests.

You will eventually need to tell the children about your new status at the right time. It is preferable if this discussion is had with both parents present. The aim of your conversation with the children is for them to understand the new arrangements and become aware of the steps you will take as parents and how they will be affected. Your children should never be made feel guilty about your situation; it may defeat the purpose of both of you living together. Children need to be reassured of your love and commitment.

Unless you wish to maintain the status quo, you must create a parenting schedule sharing your responsibilities to look after your children moving forward. You should discuss and agree on co-parenting, if possible, and who will be spending time with the children on specific days/times. 

Creating a routine and starting to spend separate time with the children will help the children to feel secure and loved by both of you. It will also help you to evaluate whether the arrangements will work once you start living apart and whether any changes may be necessary. Having parenting arrangements adapted to the new circumstances can help your children adjust confidently to the new family dynamics and make the transition easier when the move to separate homes happens.

Remember not to argue in front of your children if you have any disagreements. Otherwise, your children will find it difficult to cope.

For practical tips on co-parenting, check here.

What to consider:

• What will your parenting arrangements be?

• Who will be in charge of school drop-offs/pickups and after-school activities?

• When you are at home, how will you divide the time with your children? What will be your responsibilities (e.g. feeding, bathing, homework, bedtime,…)?

• How will you communicate about parenting arrangements and your children’s activities?

• When will you tell the children? Will you do it together? What will you say?

• Will you have family time together? If so, what will you do and when?

• Will there be any different arrangements for holidays and special events?

• Do you need to inform the school?

YOUR WELLBEING

A relationship breakdown can be one of the most traumatic experiences anyone can go through. If you add that you are still living with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse under the same roof, it may be harder for you to move forward when you see him every day.

Hence, it’s crucial that you make your wellbeing a priority to be able to cope, heal and manage the changes coming your way.

Also, remember to focus on the future and that this is a temporary situation that will come to an end, and you will eventually live apart. You can start planning your new life post-divorce from now. 

EMBRACE THE POSITIVES

Although you have split up, the fact that you remain living in the marital home can have its positives as long as you have a respectful and cordial relationship. 

Some of  the potential benefits are:

• You are both involved in your children’s lives and meeting their needs.

• You can explore whether co-parenting can work and start building your new parenting relationship.

• You are saving money by keeping the costs down. You don’t need to maintain two homes.

• You can discuss and prepare for the changes happening after divorce making it a smoother transition.

SET A DEADLINE

It would be best if you decided how long this situation will be in place. Cohabiting during separation should be a temporary arrangement and a transition into eventually living apart from each other.

What to consider:

• Is it until the children are grown?

• Is it until one of you can afford alternative accommodation?

• Is it until the divorce is final and your financial arrangements are in place?

• Is it just a trial separation? If so, when will you review the situation?

SEEK SUPPORT

Living together during separation is challenging, so it is important to seek support if you need help. You can work with a divorce coach like me, join a community support group or have a few trusted friends or relatives for support. If you need legal advice, you should consult a lawyer.

As you can see, planning and setting clear guidelines and boundaries that you and your spouse agree to follow from the outset will help to make your cohabitation after the split a smoother and healthier experience. There will obviously be compromises. Cooperation, commitment and patience will be required from both of you to make it work, and it can work. But if things don’t work out, you can decide to make alternative arrangements. If that’s not possible, remember that this is a temporary arrangement until your finances allow you to move on to the next chapter of your life.

If you need assistance, don't hesitate to get in touch with me at julia@juliamoreno.co.uk. I look forward to being able to help.