10 Healthy tips to cope with stress during separation and divorce

Stress usually happens when you find yourself in a situation you cannot control or feel under pressure or threatened.

Most of us are used to experiencing some stress in our daily lives. A small amount of stress can be positive to move you forward, but there is also a type of stress that can be damaging and affect you mentally and physiologically. This is characterised by being intense or lasting for a long time. That’s the kind of stress that you may encounter when facing a divorce.  

Divorce is rated as one of the most stressful experiences you could have in your life. It’s a significant life transition involving considerable changes. Whether the decision to end the relationship was yours, mutual or out of your hands; or whether the process is amicable or contentious, it can be a stressful and painful journey.

There are many stressors in the dissolution of a marriage: the loss of the family unit, the start of a new chapter as a single parent, the distribution of the financial assets, the sale of the family home, the lifestyle change, the parenting arrangements, the support to your children, the legal costs, and so on.

Everyone handles divorce-related stress differently, and it can manifest in different ways:

• Having a fear of the unknown because venturing into the unknown can be frightening.

• Worrying about the future and what life after divorce will look like, and whether you’ll be able to manage can cause anxiety.

• Feeling shame and like a failure because the marriage has ended can lead to experiencing low self-esteem and depression.

• Feeling overwhelmed and unable to focus impacting your everyday life, including work and parenting.

• Experiencing health issues like insomnia, difficulty breathing, panic attacks, unusual fatigue, headaches, high blood pressure, indigestion, skin problems, chest pains, heart problems, and sudden and unintentional weight change.

• Mood swings, including irritability, anger, impatience and sorrow.

• Change in your social relationships and how you relate with others, especially isolating yourself and withdrawing from social activities.

• Resorting to substance abuse, recreational drugs or increasing the consumption of food.

What are the main consequences of stress during separation and divorce?

Many of us neglect our health when highly stressed. Aside from the fact that stress can have physiological consequences which can compromise our immune system and, if unmanaged, can lead to the risk of disease, there can be other emotional and practical consequences. 

The breakdown of your relationship can naturally trigger many emotions, and when you are under the effects of stress, you might find it hard to make decisions or be tempted to make hasty and unwise decisions driven by emotions that you may later regret. Therefore, it’s essential to handle your stress and reach a stage of mental clarity and rationality before making big decisions that can affect your future.

I know that managing stress in your separation and divorce journey is easier said than done, but now that you have more awareness of the impact it can have on you, I invite you to implement and incorporate into your day-to-day life the following 10 healthy tips to help you cope and manage your stress levels:

Tip #1: LET YOURSELF GRIEVE

An important step is to give yourself time to grieve the loss. You may experience myriad emotions, from fear and anger to sadness and confusion, and maybe even relief, which is totally normal. What matters is what you do with those emotions. You need to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, even if your emotions are too intense. Acknowledge your feelings and accept that you will likely experience a period of uncertainty and turmoil. Remember, it’s OK not to be OK. 

Ignoring your feelings won’t make them go away. Grieving is essential to the healing process. No matter how intense your grief is, it won't last forever. Take the time needed to heal from the breakdown of your relationship and those feelings of loss and pain. 

Talk about your grief with someone you trust. Be easy on yourself, and don’t say things like “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “I should be over it by now.” Give yourself permission not to perform at your best while adjusting to this changing situation.

Tip #2: TAKE CARE OF YOUR MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL WELLBEING 

You must take responsibility for your emotional wellbeing and proactively safeguard your mental health. You can do so by getting the support you need and undertaking emotionally nourishing activities.

Create a support system

Don't try to get through this journey on your own. You might feel like being alone, but isolating yourself can raise your stress levels and will only make this time harder. Support from others can be critical to your healing. You must create a support system to help you cope during this difficult journey and regain balance in your life. 

You could reach out and talk with your trusted friends and family. Sharing your feelings with them can help you get through this period.

Or you could join a divorce support group in your local area or online where you can talk to others who understand what you’re going through and are in similar situations. It can also be an opportunity for you to make new friends.

It might feel challenging at first to make an effort to spend time with others, but you’ll be better off. Surround yourself with positive people who genuinely support, value and listen to you. It’s also important that you ask for and accept help. 

Don’t be afraid to get professional support when you need it. You could consider investing in divorce coaching, especially when feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

Do things that nourish your emotional wellbeing 

You can carry out activities like:

• Meditation. It’s proven that it can help you relax and cope with stress by refocusing your attention on something calming. However, I appreciate that meditation is not for everyone.

• Journaling. Writing your thoughts and raw emotions on paper can be helpful, so you’re not going over them continuously in your head, and it will help you feel calmer.

• Getting involved in community activities or volunteering. Diverting your attention and connecting with others can take your mind off of your own worries, improve your mood and make you feel less stressed. Volunteering also increases motivation and provides a sense of accomplishment.

• Doing things you love - more on this in the next tip!

Tip #3: DO WHAT YOU LOVE AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Take some time every day just for you to do something you love. Even if you can only find 10 minutes, this will still make a difference.

Engaging in activities that bring you joy is a helpful distraction from stressful thoughts and situations. Do you have a hobby? Do you like reading, writing, playing an instrument, singing, dancing, drawing, painting, crafting, photography or maybe gardening? Or would you like to start that new hobby or interest you had been thinking about? Find time for that activity you enjoy and do it. It will help you take your mind off, focus on something different than your separation and divorce, and reduce stress.

Self-care is always important, but it's even more necessary when you’re going through a relationship breakdown. Taking time to do things you love (even if that means doing nothing) will benefit you. 

Self-care can be anything you need it to be! From treating yourself to a massage or a hot bath, to meeting a friend for coffee, to going to the theatre, to making time for exercise… It’s about being kind to yourself and doing something for yourself. Taking care of yourself is a must and can be emotionally and physically refreshing.

Remember, divorce is not only an ending but the opportunity to find new beginnings, including exploring new experiences and interests or reconnecting with your passions and looking after yourself.

Tip #4: MOVE YOUR BODY

Much evidence proves that exercise can help you feel better physically, emotionally and mentally. It’s well known that physical activity relieves negative emotions like tension, anger, and anxiety. By exercising, you can lower your body’s stress hormone levels, like cortisol and adrenaline, and consequently feel calmer. Movement releases endorphins (the chemical in your brain that makes you happy) promoting positive feelings and allowing you to focus.

So if you wish to reduce stress, be more relaxed and gain focus, try to integrate regular physical exercise into your day and get moving! 

I know exercise might be harder to fit in because of the added pressures at home, but something like a simple walk every day will benefit you. And whilst you are at it, don’t forget to embrace nature. It’s said that simply being in nature, or even viewing scenes of nature, has a calming effect on your mind, eases stress and boosts pleasant feelings. Spending time outdoors makes you feel better emotionally and, of course, contributes to your physical wellbeing. So what’s stopping you from going outside to your nearest park or forest and staying in touch with nature? Come on, get out in the fresh air and go for a walk on your own, with your children, or with a friend.

Tip #5: WATCH WHAT YOU EAT

When feeling stressed, healthy eating habits can easily fall by the wayside. You might skip meals, overeat, or just eat whatever is easily accessible, especially junk food.

Eating healthy regular meals can be a pivotal way to combat stress and cultivate wellbeing.

Also, your diet can have an impact on your stress hormones. Eating sugary and processed foods can raise your cortisol levels. It’s recommended to have a well-balanced diet of whole and nutritious foods with lots of fibre (e.g. vegetables and fruit) because fibre helps to regulate gut bacteria, which in turn helps to regulate hormones. Magnesium also aids in regulating cortisol levels.

Healthy eating can help boost your immune system, raise energy levels, and provide the internal balance required to cope with stress.

Cutting back on your caffeine, alcohol and tobacco intake as much as possible can also be helpful.

To relieve feelings of pain and loneliness, many people resort to substance abuse, like alcohol and drugs, but using these as an escape is unhealthy, and there are better ways of coping. If you have a weakness for drugs or alcohol, you should seek appropriate professional support. 

Tip #6: KEEP BREATHING

Many studies show that practising deep-breathing exercises several times a day for a few minutes alleviates stress. To get started, tap into an app like Breathe or Breathwrk.

Tip #7: REMEMBER TO LAUGH AND HAVE SOME FUN

It’s been said that there isn’t a better medicine than a good laugh to boost mood and reduce pain and stress. Laughter really is an effective medicine. Science has shown that laughter helps release endorphins, our homegrown feel-good chemicals. 

When you laugh, your heart beats stronger, which means more oxygen is delivered to your cells. As a result, they function more optimally, standing you in better stead in the process.

So, remember to laugh and make time for fun!

Tip #8: SWEET DREAMS

It’s important that you get plenty of rest and the right amount of sleep for you. Seven to eight hours of sleep is the standard recommended. 

Getting a good night's sleep will allow your body to heal, lower your stress and boost your mood. 

If you struggle to get enough sleep, try user-friendly apps like Breethe, Headspace, Insight Timer or Calm.

Tip #9: SET REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS

The process of divorce can be challenging, but you can minimise the stress with some preparation and planning. One of the keys is to set reasonable expectations early by getting information about the legal process to understand what it will entail and by getting legal advice on your rights and entitlement. You will feel more in control and empowered when you gain that clarity.

Although you’re going through a separation or divorce, life doesn’t stop and carries on. You may already be feeling overwhelmed with the essential everyday chores, and when the divorce process adds more tasks to your plate, like dealing with paperwork, attending meetings, making calls, and looking for a new home,… the situation can become more overpowering and increase your stress levels. So, it’s crucial that you also set reasonable expectations about the workload. You will need to learn to prioritise your tasks, plan and manage your time and delegate whenever possible to feel in control and diminish the stress. You could, for example, seek some extra temporary support around the house, enabling you to focus on the divorce tasks, whether it is a house cleaner or a childminder. If you can’t afford extra support, seek help from family and friends. Remember, this is temporary and you need to be easy on yourself and not overwork yourself.

Tip #10: KEEP YOUR FOCUS ON MOVING ON

While there will be reasons why your marriage has broken down, don’t dwell on the past and over-analyse every essential memory of your relationship, especially if you didn’t want or expect the divorce. Living in the past will stop you from moving forward. 

Yes, there needs to be some reflection on your past relationship but only to the extent of accepting your new reality and owning your responsibility, even if it was minimal, for the part you played leading to the divorce. You may find that there are things you need to change about how you related to your ex. Identifying and understanding these will help you to make amends, avoid repeating them in the future and move on faster. 

Part of moving forward is also enabling forgiveness and letting go of negative feelings. Eventually, you will need to forgive yourself and your ex and let go. Try not to allow negativity to remain with you as you head into your new chapter; otherwise, you will risk taking that baggage into any new future relationships.

Try to keep your focus on the future. Think about the life you want to live and what you want to achieve. This experience is your opportunity to learn from past mistakes and sow the seeds for your new future. What is it going to be?

A marital split is undeniably life-changing and stressful, but by following these tips and knowing how to cope, you can:

• manage your stress and prevent it from impacting other important aspects of your life, like your children and career;

• take a healthier approach and avoid illness or disease; and

• move on with a more positive attitude.

You don’t need to tackle all of these tips at once. Choose one or two that you can easily incorporate into your routine until they become habits, and slowly add in others. What matters is taking small steps. And don’t forget to celebrate every small step you take towards moving on!

If you need professional support to work through the legal and emotional turmoil of separation and divorce and have a better and healthier experience, please get in touch, as I’m always happy to help. You can email julia@juliamoreno.co.uk.