How to thrive as a single mum after separation or divorce

Following your separation or divorce, the family dynamics will have changed. If dad is no longer at home, you may have sole responsibility for your children’s care whilst they are with you.

You may find this new parenting situation overwhelming, especially at the very beginning when trying to adjust to your new reality. The change can feel stressful as you are raising your children at home on your own without support from your ex. You may still be grieving and dealing with the aftermath of your separation or divorce whilst trying to build your new way of life. Day-to-day domestic chores, work demands, financial worries and the need to safeguard and care for your children during this new episode of your life can put a strain on your well-being. 

If you are reading this, you have likely been searching for the answer to managing as a single mum after your separation or divorce. So,

HERE ARE SOME TIPS TO HELP YOU SUCCEED IN YOUR NEW SINGLE-PARENTHOOD ROLE:

1. HELP YOUR CHILDREN COPE WITH THE CHANGES

Talk to your children and be honest about the family life changes.

Your children don’t need to know all the details about the ending of your relationship, but it is advisable to inform them about the things that will affect them. 

Remind your children that they did nothing to cause the divorce or separation and that you'll always love them. 

The way you talk to your children about the separation or divorce and their involvement in the decision-making can impact their adjustment to the new situation. Children don’t need to feel responsible for making decisions, but they do need to be consulted and feel that they have been heard.

Listen to your children and try to acknowledge and understand their feelings.

Listening to our children builds trust and honesty. If you listen to your children, they will learn to listen to you and each other.

If you want to make it fun and interactive, you could play “the journalist game”, which consists of interviewing each other so that they can tell you what they feel and ask you questions. This can allow you to understand their worries and provide answers. 

Let your children feel their emotions, and don’t be tempted to grant their every wish and desire to try and make them happy. If you want their happiness long-term, the best lesson is to allow your children to develop coping skills and resilience. 

Review your current family routine and check whether this still works for you.

If your current pattern is not suitable anymore or you don’t have a routine, create a new one. Having a structure and a regular schedule will help you stay on top of things and use your time efficiently. It will also benefit your children, knowing what to expect and finding the structure reassuring.

Research suggests that children whose families follow a daily routine may have better health and behaviour and perform better academically.

Get your children involved in setting the routine and discuss it, if you can, with your co-parent. A routine that works for everyone will be much easier to adhere to.

Evaluate your house rules on acceptable behaviour and expectations—set boundaries.

Having transparent and fair rules and boundaries will help your children grow up confident, independent and responsible. Ideally, everyone needs to be in agreement and be prepared to follow them. Keep your children and your co-parent informed, so there is consistency when moving homes. You could even have a copy of the agreed house rules in each home to avoid confusing your children. If this is not possible, aim to have at least rules with consistent boundaries in your home.

Re-evaluate the rules and expectations as your children grow older and show the ability to take on more responsibility. For example, teens could do some chores around the house.

2. NURTURE YOUR CHILDREN TO GROW HAPPY AND HEALTHY

Connect with your children.

Show your unconditional love and support by spending quality and fun time with your children: playing a game, reading a book, watching their favourite movie… 

Another way to connect with your children is by helping them to master new skills. Try to teach them something new that they would love to learn.

It would help if you also tried to have one-on-one bonding time with each child.

Give praise.

Praise helps children to remember what you would like them to do.

Find opportunities to praise your children for their efforts and good behaviour. For instance, helping you out, doing a house chore, doing their homework… Be mindful to praise for their effort rather than the result. If you only focus on their achievement, there is a danger that they will feel like a failure when they don’t succeed or win and may fear that they won’t get your approval.

While it can be difficult to watch your children struggle, don’t try to do too much for your children. This is a mistake that many good parents make (including myself!). Your children are more likely to develop a can-do attitude if you stand back and let them do for themselves what they're capable of.

Give your children age-appropriate responsibilities.

Giving your children some responsibility around the house will not only reduce your workload but will improve their confidence and sense of connection. If possible, provide them with a role that plays to their strengths. For example, if your daughter is nurturing, she could entertain her sibling whilst you are cooking. If your son likes being outdoors, he could help you with simple gardening tasks, like watering plants and picking up the leaves.

You should give your children an age-appropriate level of responsibility and allow them to be “children”. Don’t expect your children to behave like “adults”.

When you acknowledge your children’s contribution to the family, they will feel happier and are likely to want to do more.

Use positive language.

If you are struggling or have difficulties, it’s ok to share this with your children, depending on their age, but remind them that things will get better.

3. DON’T FORGET YOURSELF

Take care of yourself.

It can be hard to find a moment for yourself when you are busy. It’s all too easy to put your needs and well-being at the bottom of your priorities list, but your self-care is more important than ever. Ensure that you include some physical activity in your daily routine, eat a healthy diet and get enough sleep. You will need to stay strong to offer stability to your children. 

Take time out.

You may be feeling guilty if you allow yourself some time out. This is natural. However, time out is necessary for surviving and coping with parenting alone. Otherwise, you risk becoming exhausted. Use the time the children are with their other parent or, if you are the sole caregiver, arrange for trusted childcare at least a few hours a week, to be able to focus on you and to recharge your batteries (doing activities you enjoy alone or with friends).

Nurture friendships.

Being wrapped up in this new situation, it’s easy to lose contact with friends. Make an effort to get in touch and find some time in your schedule for socialising. It can be just a phone call, coffee, or inviting them over to your home.

Plan in advance.

When many things are demanding your attention, it can be hard to keep up with everything. Taking a few minutes at the start of your day or week to organise your tasks and plan will help you reduce your stress and feel happier. If you are clear about what needs to get done, you will be more productive and less likely to get distracted. Figure out when you have the most energy and schedule longer or more complex tasks around that time. 

Don’t forget to schedule activities that you enjoy or something you always wanted to do so you have something positive to look forward to.

Don't feel guilty.

Don't blame yourself or spoil your children to make up for the separation or divorce. It can be tempting to try and make things better by buying your children treats and over-indulging them with expensive presents. However, this can lead to your children learning to be spoilt when they feel sad or cry. Your children should express their feelings without being taught to turn to these types of remedies.

Have compassion for yourself.

Don't try to be superwoman. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. You can only do what you can, and pushing yourself too hard can result in emotional burnout. Take pride in what you achieve every day.

4. FIND SUPPORT

Get support from friends and family.

If you need assistance, ask. If you don’t ask, you don’t get it. 

Take help from relatives and friends willing to lend a hand for time out, babysitting, school runs, carpooling…

It is also beneficial for children to stay in contact with other family members. With the breakup, children can feel a sense of loss, so spending time with relatives can give an ongoing sense of belonging. Remaining in touch with friends will also give your children some comfort.

Join a local support group for single parents.

If you don’t have a support network or feel lonely and don’t have anyone to talk to, reach out to local groups or organisations that support single parents, like Gingerbread, Mumsnet… Remember, you are not alone, and others are in the same situation. 

Being a sole parent can be a challenging but rewarding experience. Follow these tips to lessen your stress, become more confident and thrive as a single mum.

If you need assistance, please contact me at julia@juliamoreno.co.uk. I look forward to being able to help.