7 Tips for learning to trust again after separation and divorce

Do you find yourself saying, “I’ll never trust anyone again”?

In my sessions, I’ve observed how many individuals find it hard to trust others, especially their ex, after experiencing the pain and hurt of a relationship breakdown. Some of them already had trust issues before the split, and lack of trust may even have been the cause of the breakup. For others, the ability to trust may have been broken or damaged due to infidelity, lies or broken promises, and they may fear being hurt again and believe no one is trustworthy.

As a result of the ending of your marriage, you may be questioning everything and become less trusting as a form of self-protection. This mistrust can show up in different ways. You may feel you need to be dishonest or secretive (or that the other person is), or you may often doubt whether the other person is going to keep their promises, or you believe that the only person you can rely on is yourself, or you may even become dependable on someone else because you don’t trust your own judgment or decisions anymore.

What is trust?

Trust means feeling safe with that other person, knowing they care about you and believing they have your best interest at heart. 

Why is trust important?

One of the things that everyone desires is to be able to trust others.

Without the ability to trust, it’s difficult to create connections with other people and meaningful relationships; you risk your interactions becoming anxiety-provoking and filled with uncertainty. Trust is a cornerstone of building healthy and successful relationships. 

The ending of a relationship can intensify or set the stage for feelings of mistrust in yourself and others. It can dramatically change how you view yourself and relationships in general. The struggle to trust often comes from a sense of betrayal (abandonment, adultery, dishonesty, abuse,… or simply growing apart). So, rebuilding trust can be critical to healing and recovering after a separation or divorce.

Also, loss of trust can make you doubt yourself, and divorce is a challenging time when you must decide your future. Therefore, it’s vital that you regain confidence in yourself to be able to make those life-changing decisions.

If you wish to:

• have better relationships and avoid reacting with fear and suspicion,

• heal and recover from betrayal, and

• stop doubting yourself and regain your confidence

you will need to take steps to learn to trust again, so I’m sharing some tips to help you. 

1. BUILD YOUR TRUST IN YOURSELF FIRST

Self-trust is the ability to make decisions and trust your answers, to know that your emotions and feelings are real, and to take care of yourself. It involves getting to know yourself and depending on yourself.

Here are some steps you can take to begin to trust yourself again:

LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES AND FORGIVE YOURSELF

Take some time to analyse and discover any part you may have played in the ending of the relationship. You can’t blame everything on others and hope that something will change. You may have enabled or chosen to ignore some of the red flags you may have seen during the relationship. When you become aware of your mistakes and learn from them, your sense of self-trust will rise because you’ll be able to identify them in the future and know that you can take better care of yourself by avoiding making similar mistakes again.

And even if you make new mistakes in the future, realising that you can trust yourself because you are willing to identify and learn from your mistakes will allow you to take appropriate risks and live a happier life.

Acknowledging your responsibility for your mistakes should accompany the willingness to forgive yourself for the part you played (even if minimal) and your past choices. Once you let go of the past and your anger against yourself and others, you’ll be able to move forward.

MANAGE THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT YOURSELF

We all have a negative inner voice. For some, this voice speaks up occasionally; for others, the voice can be a more frequent visitor. If you are experiencing those negative voices in your head constantly criticising you, one way to manage them is to learn to turn their volume down and recognise the negative thoughts for what they are. They are probably trying to protect you from something, but remember that they are not objective. You need to find a manner to reframe them into more positive and empowering thoughts.

RECOGNISE YOUR STRENGTHS

Get to know your skills and abilities. I’m sure you have many strengths and most probably have used them successfully in the past. Knowing what you can do and remembering your past successes will increase your self-esteem and help you rebuild your self-trust.

KEEP YOUR WORD TO YOURSELF

When you make a promise to yourself, follow it through. For example, if you say, “every morning when I wake up, I’ll have a glass of water”, do it. Breaking a promise you make to yourself sets you up to have a poor level of self-trust.

RESPECT YOURSELF

Be kind to yourself. No one is perfect, and you shouldn’t expect yourself to be. Practice self-love and respect yourself by taking care of yourself.

HEAL FROM BETRAYAL

A simple way to shit your negative feelings of betrayal is to remind yourself of the people you can depend on in your life. Acknowledge your confidence in them, and remember you are not alone. Some people love you and wish you success.

Trusting yourself is one of the best things you can do. It can help build your confidence, allow others to trust you more, and make decision-making much more effortless. Also, if you want to increase your self-trust, be trustworthy with others (more on this later) and give them the kind of trust you would like to receive from them.

2. DON’T PLAY THE BLAME GAME

When you play the blame game and adopt a victim mentality, you believe that you are helpless and things happen to you because you have zero impact, influence or control over what happens to you. For instance, if your ex had an affair, you can choose to live feeling like a victim by playing the blaming game, or you could accept that your ex made a painful choice and move on regardless of what your ex did.

You may wonder why your ex did this or may be keen to know all the details. You may never find those answers, and even if you did, trust me, that knowledge is not what will help you heal.

You will eventually need to accept that what has happened has happened without any hope of changing it and that the only thing you can influence is the present and how your future will evolve.

Do you want to start creating your new future or remain remorseful about the past for the rest of your life?

Remember, you always have a choice regarding how you move on from what has happened.

3. EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS

You may be tempted to suppress your emotions or, as it’s pretty common, to blame or attack the other person for what happened. Alternatively, you may ignore the issue and hope it will go away. None of these approaches is helpful.

When trying to regain a sense of trust, it’s essential to explain how you feel, focusing on your feelings and not the behaviour of the other. In this way, that person is most likely to understand your point of view and hear you. For example: “I'm disappointed and sad, and I don't like feeling this way.”

4. ACKNOWLEDGE AND CHALLENGE YOUR MISTRUST

When you start to feel distrust in others, ask yourself why you feel this way. The following questions may help you to overcome mistrust:

• What is the story I’m telling myself?

• Is fear clouding my point of view and causing me to overreact?

• Is my mistrust coming from something that is actually happening in the present, or is it related to my past? Or a combination of both?

• Do I feel comfortable asking for what I need and allowing myself to be vulnerable?

• Do I bring my best self to my interactions with that person?

• Do I possess self-love and allow myself to be loved and respected?

You can disrupt your mistrustful feelings by asking yourself these questions and reframing the situation.

5. TRUST YOUR INTUITION

Learning to trust again is not just about believing that someone is acting with your best interests in mind but also recognising when that isn’t the case. Follow your instincts and listen to your body signals when a situation doesn’t seem right. By trusting your intuition, you will strengthen your trust in yourself and gain confidence, allowing you to rely further on your strengths and abilities and, ultimately, achieve a better judgment.

6. DON’T ASSUME THE WORST

If a person lets you down, be mindful not to assume that their failure or action was deliberate – we all make mistakes, and mistakes can happen. It may well be that they had good intentions and didn’t realise that what they did would trigger you. 

The other person may want to explain the circumstances or reason for their behaviour. Give them a chance. It is better to talk about it and be attentive to what they say. You will then be in a better position to make a judgment, and you can communicate your feelings in the manner explained above.

7. NURTURE TRUST

Whenever you consciously trust someone, you nurture your skills to trust. At first, this might feel challenging and can take time and effort. Trust is an act of courage, and you’ll need to open yourself to vulnerability. However, by taking small steps, being persistent and committing to being more trusting, you’ll find that it will become intuitive. 

One of the hardest things about trusting someone is learning to have confidence in your own judgment. Eventually, with practice, you will also be able to discern when you should and shouldn’t trust and re-establish the sense of safety and security you need.

If you can only remember a few words after reading this article, remember this: “Trusting yourself is the foundation of trusting again”.

I’m Julia Moreno, a divorce coach with a legal background as a family law solicitor guiding women and couples through the legal and emotional turmoil of divorce towards a new and happy life. You can join my mailing list for free nuggets of inspiration, motivation and education for your separation and divorce journey or book a free clarity call with me. You can also contact me at julia@juliamoreno.co.uk.