The different types of parenting after separation or divorce: which one fits your family?

Separation or divorce can be difficult, and it can be even more complicated when children are involved. But, it is crucial to put your children’s needs first and ensure they are provided for emotionally, physically, and mentally. You can achieve this by prioritising their wellbeing and working towards a parenting relationship that is healthy and positive for all involved.

In this blog, I look at the following types of parenting so that you can decide which one would best suit your family:

• Collaborative Parenting (or Co-parenting)

• Birdnesting

• Parallel Parenting

• Distant Parenting

• Supervised Parenting

Collaborative Parenting

Collaborative parenting is the most common type of parenting relationship that can follow separation. It means that you and the other parent work together for the benefit of the children. You make decisions together, coordinate your parenting, and perhaps even have some family events together. You agree on mostly everything related to the children.

Collaborative parenting works best when parents can generally speak freely, communicate regularly, enjoy some flexibility, and have transitioned relatively smoothly from the romantic/marital relationship to the new relationship as separated or divorced parents. They might be able to attend school parents’ evenings together, sit next to each other at school assemblies, speak via telephone, and reach broad agreements on boundaries and routines for their children in each home. Overall, they are characterised by having low conflict (not necessarily perfect communication, but are generally able to work together to overcome areas of disagreement), and their children generally feel comfortable talking to one parent about their other parent and move comfortably from one home to another.

Birdnesting

Birdnesting is a type of collaborative parenting. It involves the children remaining in one home (usually the family home) 100% of the time and the separated parents taking turns living with the children in that home.

This is not something that the English courts will order, but more of a concept that parents are coming up with themselves, especially for financial constraints. Instead of having two large houses to accommodate the children, the parents have access to a studio or 1 bedroom flat to stay in when they are away from the family home.

It is a very child-centred approach to co-parenting as it provides children stability and a smoother transition to their new way of life as children of separated or divorced parents. However, this approach requires a significant amount of sacrifice and compromise. Parents must be very clear at the outset about the rules and have detailed agreements about who pays for what, who is responsible for household chores, and what the rules are regarding parenting. It can also confuse the children as there is no clear separation, and it could cause them to hold onto dreams of their parents reuniting.

Parallel Parenting

Parallel parenting minimises the interaction between the parents and allows each parent to choose how they wish to parent their children when they are with them.

Parallel parenting is appropriate where communication is more complex and may trigger negative responses and cause conflict between the parents. Often, parallel parenting involves limiting communication to shield children from unnecessary conflict. Typically, parallel parenting might include arrangements where the contact between parents is minimal. Parents with this type of arrangement might manage some indirect communication effectively, such as communication via email, but generally, it tends to be limited to changing parenting time arrangements (for example, swapping a weekend that the children are due to be with one parent) and not necessarily being able to talk about rules and regulations in each household easily.

If collaborative parenting is physically or emotionally unsafe for you (for example, you feel triggered or think the other parent is too controlling or intrusive), then parallel parenting may be the right approach.

Distant Parenting

Distant parents tend to find it hard to communicate at all, and any communication can lead to strong negative emotional responses and exchanges. A court order will likely be in place, or one parent may only see the children occasionally. 

Children in these families generally have two completely different experiences in two different homes and accept that there is little cross-over. Any encounters distant parents have are likely to trigger difficult exchanges. Children often have been caught up in considerable conflict and feel the tension in a parent’s household concerning anything relating to their other parent, even if their parents do not communicate.

Supervised Parenting

There may be situations where it is determined, typically by the court, that one parent should have the right to see their children but that their judgment or behaviour is questionable to the point that these visits need to be supervised by another competent adult. This may be due to abuse, neglect, addiction, or mental health concerns.

Supervised parenting is designed to protect children from harm while still allowing them to maintain a relationship with the supervised parent. The visits will usually occur in a designated location, such as a contact centre or a trusted family member’s home. They will be supervised by an independent third party, observing the interaction between the parent and child.

Supervised parenting is usually considered a temporary solution while the supervised parent addresses and resolves the issues that led to the supervision requirement. If the supervised parent successfully addresses these concerns, they can move towards unsupervised parenting time.

While collaborative parenting is generally considered ideal, it is only sometimes possible or appropriate. Parallel parenting and parenting at a distance may be necessary in some situations, and supervised parenting may be required in cases where there are concerns for the children's safety or wellbeing.

When separating, it is helpful to think about what type of parenting relationship you would like and what is realistically achievable, then plan accordingly.

By understanding these different types of parenting and what will help you as parents minimise conflict and parent as your best selves, you can contribute more consciously to creating a parenting relationship that is protective for your children.

Ask yourself:

• “How much contact do I want with the other parent?”

• “How much communication can I tolerate with the other parent without getting distressed?”

• “How important is it to work together with the other parent to parenting our children?”

• “What will it take to reduce or eliminate our arguments so that our children can live peacefully while we nest or in two separate homes?”

Minimising conflict between you and the other parent is the most important thing for your children’s recovery and future wellbeing, as conflict damages children. The goal of post-separation or post-divorce parenting is to keep you both actively involved in caring for your children with minimal or no conflict.

Whatever the situation, it may be essential to seek support and guidance from professionals who can help navigate the challenges of post-separation parenting and help ensure that the children's best interests are always at the forefront.

I’m Julia Moreno, a divorce coach with a legal background as a family law solicitor guiding women and couples through the legal and emotional turmoil of divorce towards a new and happy life. You can join my mailing list for free nuggets of inspiration, motivation and education for your separation and divorce journey or book a free clarity call with me. You can also contact me at julia@juliamoreno.co.uk.