How to build inner strength and resilience during divorce
Divorce can be an extremely challenging and stressful time, and it can be emotionally draining, leaving you feeling like you don't have the strength to keep going.
Resilience gives people the strength to tackle difficult situations like divorce, overcome heartache, and move on with their lives. So, resilience is an important skill you can build during your divorce to help you get through this tough time and make you stronger.
Being resilient means that you are able to respond to the challenge you are facing, while remaining calm and in control in the process, in a way that not just helps you survive but also bounce back.
People with resilience do not experience less distress, grief or anxiety than others because resilience does not eliminate strong negative emotions or erase difficulties. Resilient people still experience those emotions. However, they use healthy coping strategies to handle the challenges, work through their feelings and recover, often emerging stronger than before.
Those without resilience tend to become overwhelmed, dwell on problems and use unhelpful coping mechanisms to deal with them. Disappointment or failure might drive them to unhealthy, destructive, or dangerous behaviours. Their recovery is slower, and they may experience more distress.
So, here are some tips on how to build your inner strength and resilience:
1. Be kind to yourself
The first and most important tip is to be kind to yourself, especially when things are hard. It's okay to feel sad, angry, or overwhelmed. Allow yourself to experience these emotions without judgment. Have self-compassion and care for yourself by getting enough sleep, eating healthy, and engaging in activities that bring you joy. Remember that this is a difficult time, but you are doing your best, and that's all that matters.
2. Seek support
Don't try to go through a divorce alone. Seek support from friends, family, or a divorce coach. Having someone to talk to can help you process your emotions and provide you with the support you need to navigate the challenges of divorce. You can also connect with others who have been through a divorce and can offer you assistance and understanding. This will also increase your sense of belonging.
Talking about your difficulties won’t make them disappear, but sharing them with a trusted friend or a professional can make you feel supported. Discussing things with others can also help you gain insight into your challenges or even develop new ideas for managing them and grow a stronger sense of security.
Don't be afraid to lean on your support system and ask for help when needed. Resilient people recognise the importance of support and knowing when to seek help.
3. Prioritise self-care
Self-care is always important, but it’s critical during a divorce. Take time to do things that make you feel good, such as taking a hot bath, walking, or reading a good book. Say "no" to activities or events that drain your energy or make you uncomfortable.
Practising self-care can help you feel more relaxed and centred. Taking care of yourself physically and emotionally during this tough time is essential.
4. Focus on the present moment
During a divorce, it's easy to get caught worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. But focusing on the present moment can help you feel more centred and calm. Try practising mindfulness techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, or yoga. These techniques can help you stay present and focused on the here and now.
5. Learn how to handle stress
Good stress management skills can also foster greater resilience. Knowing how to handle stress effectively can have numerous benefits, including improved mental and physical health, increased coping skills, and better decision-making abilities.
6. Stay positive
Staying positive can be challenging during a divorce, but it's essential for building resilience. Focus on the things that are going well in your life, and try to find something to be grateful for each day. Surround yourself with positive people and things that make you happy. This will help you stay positive and optimistic, even during the toughest times, and avoid a negative mindset.
7. Create a plan for the future
Creating a plan for your future can help you feel more in control during a divorce. Think about your goals and aspirations and make a plan to achieve them. This can be, for example, creating a budget or a career plan. Having a plan can help you stay focused and motivated, even when things seem uncertain.
8. Accept your emotions
During a divorce, you may experience various emotions, including sadness, anger, confusion, and fear. It's essential to accept and acknowledge these emotions rather than try to suppress them. Allow yourself to feel your emotions fully, and don't judge yourself for feeling them. This will help you process your emotions and move forward in a healthy way. Resilient people can recognise that those feelings are temporary and can be managed until they pass.
9. Stay active
Exercise can help you build resilience during a divorce. It can help you release stress and tension, and it can also boost your mood. Try to exercise regularly, even if it's just going for a walk or doing some yoga at home. Joining an exercise club is also a great way to meet new people and connect with others.
10. Stay organised
Staying organised can help you feel more in control during a divorce. Create a to-do list and prioritise your tasks so that you can stay on top of everything that needs to be done. Organisation and planning will reduce your stress and anxiety during this challenging time.
11. Focus on what is within your control
When faced with a challenge, getting overwhelmed by things that feel far beyond your control can be easy. Instead of wishing there was some way to go back in time or change something, focusing on what you can do can be helpful. Your actions will play a part in determining the outcome. If a problem arises, devise solutions that will make a positive difference.
12. Learn from your experience
Going through a divorce can be a learning experience. Take some time to reflect on what you have learned about yourself, your relationships, and your life. This can help you grow and move forward in a positive way. Use this experience as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, your strengths, and your weaknesses. Believe in your own abilities. This can help you make better choices in the future and build even more resilience.
13. Have boundaries
The first step in setting boundaries during a divorce is to be clear about what they are. Think about the things that are important to you, what you are willing and not willing to tolerate, and what you need from others to feel safe and supported. Communicate these boundaries clearly to your former spouse, children, and anyone involved in the divorce process.
Once you have set your boundaries, it's crucial to stick to them. This can be challenging, especially if your former spouse is not respecting your boundaries. However, it's essential to stand firm and not compromise on what is important to you. This will help you feel more in control and protect your emotional wellbeing.
You also need to recognise that your boundaries may need to shift or change as you navigate the divorce process. Be open to adjusting your boundaries to ensure they continue serving your wellbeing.
Surround yourself with positive people who respect your boundaries and spend time with friends and family members who uplift you and make you feel good.
In conclusion, building inner strength and resilience during a divorce is possible. Remember to be kind to yourself, seek support, prioritise self-care, manage stress, stay positive, create a plan, accept your emotions, stay active, stay organised, focus on what you can control, learn from your experience, and have boundaries. Most importantly, remember that you are not alone and that you can have the strength to get through this challenging time, navigate it with greater ease and resilience and come out stronger on the other side.
Would you like to check how resilient you are? You can take a resilience test here: https://www.bwcharity.org.uk/resilience-check.
Be bold and talk to a professional if you are struggling. Even resilient people need help, and part of being resilient is knowing when to ask for support and assistance.
I’m Julia Moreno, a divorce coach with a legal background as a family law solicitor guiding women and couples through the legal and emotional turmoil of divorce towards a new and happy life. You can join my mailing list for free nuggets of inspiration, motivation and education for your separation and divorce journey or book a free clarity call with me. You can also contact me at julia@juliamoreno.co.uk.