Breaking the news: how to tell family and friends about your divorce

When you make the difficult decision to divorce, sharing the news with your family and friends can be daunting. It’s natural to worry about their reactions and make assumptions about how they will respond. However, while you can’t control their reactions, you can control how and when you communicate the news. With some planning and preparation, you can take control of the conversation and reduce the anxiety involved.

If you aren’t yet comfortable, there is no rush to talk to anyone about your divorce. You get to choose when to start talking about your divorce. 

If you have decided it’s time to break the news, this blog post gives you some helpful tips.

Before announcing your divorce, 

1. Think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Also, don’t forget to keep your emotions in check when talking to others about your divorce.

2. Try to agree on a joint message with your spouse, if possible.

This isn’t about sharing every detail of your marriage or assigning blame. Instead, it’s about setting an aligned message and agreeing on what should and shouldn’t be discussed or shared. 

Agree on what you want to say and to whom, and prepare a brief statement together that you can share with your loved ones.

For example, a joint statement might be: 

“We have decided to divorce, and both agreed that this is best. We are dealing with our divorce with respect, and our children are our top priority. We want to be good parents and move on.”

It’s important that your statement is neutral and doesn’t assign blame. Keep the reasons for your divorce private, and don’t feel the need to explain yourself. 

Having an agreed-upon statement ensures that everyone hears the same story, which can be particularly helpful for your children.

You may wonder, how do I agree on the joint divorce statement with my spouse?

So, I’m going to share some guidelines:

• Tell your spouse you want to be on the same page when sharing your separation and divorce news.

• Suggest that you each think of at least one neutral statement without apportioning blame.

• Arrange a time to do this together or compare your respective statements.

• Agree on at least one statement.

• Then, work out whom you need to tell. Write a list of family and friends.

• Then, think about how this statement would work with the different kinds of people on the list. Agree together if some people need a separate statement from the one you have decided upon.

• Lastly, agree on who will have the conversation with the people on the list. Will it be both of you together or separately?

If your spouse cannot agree with you on a joint statement, it’s still beneficial to follow these steps yourself – you will need to use the statement sooner or later, so make it good and make it right for you.

3. Consider whether you want to answer questions. 

It’s perfectly acceptable to say that you’re still processing the news and can’t answer all the questions right now. 

4. Consider what boundaries you want to set regarding what you will discuss and what you will not. 

5. Be prepared for unsolicited advice, and have a response ready. You may want to say, “I am working with professional support to get through this process, but I appreciate your advice.”

6. Be prepared for a wide range of reactions, some of which may be inappropriate. If you need to respond, you could say, “I appreciate your concern, but I don’t share your point of view.” 

Remember, thinking about what you want to say in advance can help you control the conversation and significantly reduce your anxiety.

Once you’ve agreed on your communication points and boundaries, share your statement with those closest to you, such as your parents and other friends and family members who are in your daily life. Your immediate family and closest friends are likely to be the ones supporting you and your children during the coming weeks and months, so it’s important that they know how you want them to handle conversations with your children. No matter how hard you try to protect them, your children may hear gossip, so everyone needs to know how to shut it down. Lastly, if anyone is unsure how to answer a question from your children, make sure they know to speak with you or your spouse first. 

While sharing the news of your divorce can be challenging, taking the time to prepare and plan can make the process smoother and less stressful for everyone involved.

I’m Julia Moreno, a divorce coach with a legal background as a family law solicitor guiding couples through the legal and emotional turmoil of divorce towards a new and happy life. You can join my mailing list for free nuggets of inspiration, motivation and education for your separation and divorce journey or book a free clarity call with me. You can also contact me at julia@juliamoreno.co.uk.