5 Practical Tips To Minimise Co-Parenting Challenges

Parenting during a healthy relationship is not easy. However, co-parenting after a separation or divorce can be even more challenging and feel impossible, especially when you bring into the mix the high emotions, relationship issues and the wish to cut ties with your ex. You are bound to face some challenges. 

Today I’m going to share with you some practical tips to help you improve the quality of your co-parenting relationship and, consequently, offer your children the stability, security, and love they need. How you and your ex, as parents, behave can strongly influence your children's mental and emotional wellbeing and how they adjust to this new chapter of your lives.

But, before heading to the practical tips, here are some recommendations for what to do first.

CREATE A NEW TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP

Start by separating the personal relationship with your ex from the co-parenting relationship. Your new relationship should focus entirely on your children’s best interests and wellbeing, not about either of you. 

Creating a healthy relationship is crucial for successful co-parenting. This should be geared toward collaboration and making joint decisions based on what is best for your children and allowing them to have a consistently safe and loving environment. 

The lines of communication between you should remain as open as possible when it comes to your children bearing in mind that co-parenting requires flexibility, patience, respect, understanding, resilience, and a willingness to negotiate and compromise.

SET YOUR CO-PARENTING INTENTION

It’s essential that you try to set your co-parenting intention from the very start so that you are both working together for the children as a team towards the same goal.

Remember that co-parenting entails both parents playing an active role in their children’s lives and enabling the children to have a close relationship with both of you. 

KEEP YOUR ISSUES WITH YOUR EX AWAY FROM YOUR CHILDREN

You may feel uncomfortable reading this, but your own negative emotions towards your ex must take a back seat when co-parenting. It’s not easy, but you must learn to manage your strong feelings and always put your children’s needs first.

There are ways you can get your negative feelings out but venting your frustrations to your children or arguing with your ex in front of the children is not the solution. This will only lead to causing further worry, anxiety and stress to your children and them developing mental health and behavioural issues.

Try to commit to being on your best behaviour with each other and especially in the presence of the children. Your children won't understand if you treat the other parent, whom they also love and care about, negatively or disrespectfully.

Remember that your children also have a right to a loving, healthy relationship with their other parent and shouldn’t feel like they have to choose.

If you are upset with your ex, seek out trusting adults to have those conversations.

HEAL YOURSELF

If you or your ex are stuck in the past and have not done the work to move on from your marital issues, you will most likely bring your unresolved issues into the co-parenting relationship. Do whatever you need to do to heal yourself, and don’t forget to invest in self-care.

AGREE ON HOW YOU ARE GOING TO COMMUNICATE

Communications with your ex will have to continue for as long as your children need you, and at the very least until your children become adults. So, communication is key to achieving a good co-parenting relationship.

Decide on how and when you’ll communicate with each other about your children and what you will do when you disagree. 

Disagreements will arise, and when they do, it’s best to try to have the discussion away from the children if you can’t communicate in a healthy manner. Deal with the disagreement privately by agreeing on a date and a neutral place to have the conversation. 

It isn’t always necessary to meet in person. If you struggle with face-to-face discussions, you can choose to use other communication methods, like speaking over the phone or exchanging texts or emails. However, remember that these methods have their limitations and can lead to misunderstandings. 

Generally, poor communication is one of the primary causes of a relationship breakdown. So, for the sake of your children, commit to taking little steps to improve your communication. Be patient. What’s important is making progress in the right direction. Who knows, one day you may be able to be in the same room as your ex again. And don’t forget those important events for your children in the future - their graduation, their wedding, the birth of your grandchildren,…where you might be together celebrating your children’s achievements and sharing the joy. 

You could start by using a contact book or investing in a parenting app if you find it hard to maintain conflict-free conversations. 

You need to find an effective communication strategy that works for your family. However, whatever you do, please don’t put your children in the middle and never use them as messengers or intermediaries. You should always communicate directly with the other parent.

When you struggle to be civil, think about the primary purpose of your conversation: your children’s wellbeing and what will most benefit them, and stick to the facts and the needs of your children. 

Communicating and successfully dealing with conflict can positively impact your children. You’re not only modelling effective communication and problem-solving but also creating an environment where your children can feel happy and loved by both parents.

Now, let’s move on to those practical tips to minimise your co-parenting challenges.

5 PRACTICAL TIPS

TIP #1: HAVE A PARENTING PLAN

Organisation and planning in advance can help create a more amicable, smooth and successful experience with co-parenting. 

Sit down with your co-parent to draw up a parenting plan so that you both know what to do and expect. Make decisions about how you will parent your children now and in the future and set out your care arrangements, parental responsibilities and how you will behave towards each other in this new co-parenting relationship.

The plan can cover parenting time arrangements, family rules regarding behaviour and discipline, medical care, education, religious upbringing, holidays and special events, financial matters related to the children, methods of communication, guidelines for decision-making and dispute resolution, extended family, new relationships,…

Developing a comprehensive parenting plan takes work, but being clear and agreeing on things before they happen can make a positive difference in your co-parenting relationship and minimise conflict. 

The more detailed the plan is, the better. For a template and some guidance, read here.

Once you have a parenting plan in place -  follow it!

I suggest you revisit the plan to ensure it’s still relevant, given your children’s age or any change of circumstances, and make any necessary adjustments.

TIP #2: SHARE AN ONLINE CALENDAR

Keeping a shared family calendar online that both of you (and the children, if appropriate) can access allows everyone to stay abreast of school and social events, medical appointments, and other activities. It can also show when the children are with each parent. This can remove ambiguity and lessen the stress as everybody is clear on the arrangements.

A shared calendar can help you to stay organised, get on the same page and work as a team. 

You can create a new shared Google calendar related to the children only or have it on a parenting app (see below).

TIP #3: USE A PARENTING APP

A parenting app can be a helpful resource for installing healthy co-parenting practices. Many allow you to filter communications and keep the communications focused on the children and their needs. 

A parenting app encourages practical and respectful communication between co-parents with secure messaging, shared calendars, and recording financial expenses and important information… 

There are many parenting apps on the market right now. You can find a list of recommended apps here.

TIP #4: PLAN “PARENTING” DATES

Have regular “parenting” dates to talk to your co-parent about your children. When you feel ready, and as your children get older, you could even consider scheduling family meetings with the children to discuss school, activities and whether the arrangements are working. The aim is to form an effective co-parenting relationship, improve your communication and maintain wellness in the family. 

TIP #5: SEEK PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT

If you feel like you’re struggling to establish a cooperative and civil co-parenting relationship, don’t be afraid to get professional support. As a divorce coach, I can help you to find the tools and strategies to make it work and ease your pain.

Co-parenting can be tough. It will require serious patience, discipline and emotional management, but if you follow these tips, it will be easier for you to overcome co-parenting challenges. This hard work will help you develop a cordial working relationship with your ex and make a difference in your children, enabling them to be happy and thrive. Isn’t that what you want after all? 

It is doable. Look around. You will find examples. Many parents and children adapt to the change and find a way to co-parent after a separation or divorce successfully. Let those be your inspiration.

If you need assistance, please contact me at julia@juliamoreno.co.uk. I look forward to being able to help.